day in and day out. 

is my fear that i’m not good enough. that i wasn’t sick enough. yes yes your going to read this and tell me “you’ve been hospitilzed more then 3 times for suicide, you’ve gotten down to 65 pounds because of anorexia, you were 8 years old and tried jumping off your elementry school’s building” 

but i still feel like all these patients, all these case studies are being pushed in my face saying “your not sick enough, you have no right saying you overcame mental illness because you never went through it deep enough” 

trying to shut this thought up, and hopefully i wont GET worse. it’s just been on my mind and i needed to get it out. 

Know to go read another psych. textbook, one from the early 90’s (yes i have psych text as far back as the 60’s from used bookstores)

I’m ok I’m in the psychiatric ward and had to be rushed to the hospital, had charcoal and been hooked up to heart monitors for a few days.

get help? or just deal with pain?

With my parents, hiding my netbook screen because i’m looking up the dosage of an overdose on my particular sleeping medication for later tonight.

Not like i can loose anything…i’m going into the psych ward anyways tomorrow.

Third times the charm they always say right?

I know i’m pathetic.

Of trying to attempt tomorrow night.

I know I dont have enough pills to overdose, but I just cant wait any longer..

Only thing I have been thinking about for the past week. 

So I had to go out and buy clothes and such because of my weight…social anxiety sky rocketed, I had bandaids all over my arms and caught more then a few people staring at my arms. 

Bought a plastic travel mug and individual green tea bags so I can drink that like crazy and not eat as much. 

I’m hoping my eating is going to be able to go down…they obviouslly dont have much food lying around on the ward…and what they do have is to me mostly disgusting…going to be checking off grapes and carrots mostly on my menu’s. 

Also went out to a used bookstore and bought THE BELL JAR and another Sylvia Plath book, and also Girl, Interrupted and Wintergirls to read in the ward. And my journals of Sylvia Plath book should be also coming on monday (700 pages) so I think i’m going to be set. and of course my diary and new pens. 

*Really finding it hard not to attempt before I go back into the ward…I know i’m not going to be able to fully commit suicide because I dont have enough pills to overdose…but I just Its hard and complicated…I still want to take all the pills I have and pray that somehow it works.*

cutting is going beyond normal…a couple of them I know i should be getting stitches for..but i’m not going to because my sisters birthday is tommorow and if i go in for stitches there just going to admit me. 

I cut a little to deep last night and it took over an hour for it to even just stop bleeding like pouring out. 

I’m eating like 700 calories a day, which i hate myself so much for because i should be eating A-L-O-T less, i feel beyond fat, i really do need to loose weight. 

Yes, if i live to monday i’m going to be admitted to the psych ward.