Hopefully before i’m 25 :)

Please? I’d love you forever, and It doesnt even have to be just an hour…

Can answer some psych. questions to the best to my ability if you want, not fully certified yet but getting there. 

And any personal questions are open. 

Anon or not <3

http://innerpain92.tumblr.com/ask

Does anyone else ever feel like it’s pointless to sleep? 

I’m starting to have partial insomnia again (sleeping only 2-3 hours a night) and it’s hard for me to even force myself to get into bed at night, all I can think is everything I could be doing, and how I’m wasting time by sleeping, I mean i’m not tired so why am I forcing myself to sleep by taking pills? I could spend that time doing psych. work, or spend it working out, spend it reading about psych. (i read psych, books for leisure, not just bc of schooling) 

Sleep just seems like a god awful waste of time, and then even more of a waste of time if I have to lay in bed for a good 2 hours just to get to sleep. 

day in and day out. 

is my fear that i’m not good enough. that i wasn’t sick enough. yes yes your going to read this and tell me “you’ve been hospitilzed more then 3 times for suicide, you’ve gotten down to 65 pounds because of anorexia, you were 8 years old and tried jumping off your elementry school’s building” 

but i still feel like all these patients, all these case studies are being pushed in my face saying “your not sick enough, you have no right saying you overcame mental illness because you never went through it deep enough” 

trying to shut this thought up, and hopefully i wont GET worse. it’s just been on my mind and i needed to get it out. 

Know to go read another psych. textbook, one from the early 90’s (yes i have psych text as far back as the 60’s from used bookstores)

i’m only saying in Canada,Ontario, ive only been to one since theres only one in my city. and no they were not good, hospitals suck…if your lucky enough to get a nice nurse, you only have her/him for like 2 days bc of nurses schedules, alot of the nurses i dont belive should even be working with psych patients, there inpatient, rude, and i dont know if it might be because they have worked with psych patients for to long or what, but really alot of them should be a little bit more respectful when dealing with people that want to kill themselves daily.

I’ve been in a mental hospital twice in my life, at the age of 14 and again at 19, this past january, and sadly being admitted again next week. 

Know my stay as a teenager wasn’t so bad, they treated me like crap some moments but they were pretty ok.

Know adult mental health ward? crap beyond belief, they stay in the nurses station, and if the time gets away from you and you forget to go up and get your pills, they are suppose to come bring them to you..but no they screamed at me to be more responsible (really bitch i can barly fucking get out of bed and im suppose to remeber to take my damn pills fuck you). 

No a mental hospital is not “fun” “interesting” or “a good story to tell”…you make any comment you were in a hospital for the mentally insane, even if its to friends you have known for years, they still might look at you as if your going to harm them. 

And on another note, think of the severity that one must be in to be admitted to a mental hospital. i mean think of me getting admitted to the hospital this january…the ER doctor wasnt going to pass my case on to a psychiatrist for an evaluation because i hadn’t yet attempted suicide, even though i was planning to commit on sunday, and i was in the hospital seeing this doctor on friday. It takes extreme issues to be admitted to the hospital, and no one NO ONE should try to be that unstable.

I was admitted to the hospital because i would faint or have a panic attack just thinking of leaving my house, i was cutting upwards of 5-10 times a day, like i said i planned my suicide, i was restricting my food again, and pulling my hair out…and remeber i was almost turned away. 

So please before you make this post about how you want to be in a mental hospital, please please think it through, you dont want to be in that place if you cant help it.

i REALLY want to just lie and say im not thinking of suicide anymore so i can get skinnier before i go back to the psych ward for a second time this year….i really just want to be 95 pounds again, and i really want to keep cutting. 

i dont want to go back just yet. 

my father says i’m at the worst he’s ever known me to be, but im not sure. i dont see me as the worst really, i feel like i normally feel, just a tad bit more

i’m pulling out handfulls of hair, and its falling out itself.

i have no hunger whatsoever, other then a massive hunger that comes out when im on the verge of falling asleep.

i’m cutting the worst i have, and it has to be massivly deep cuts or it means nothing anymore.

i’m only able to get to sleep at like 4 in the morning, even with sleeping pills.

i already have two ideas for my suicide, pills or train tracks.

she’s letting me wait until after my sisters birthday, because i was in the hospital for my brother in laws birthday and i dont want to mess up another birthday.

My PTSD is massivly bad she says, thats why i get scared and angry whenever there is loud noises.

My hair falling out is because of stress….i mean ALOT OF HAIR IS FALLING OUT. 

ohhh and GUESS WHAT? i massivly cut myself last night under the  crook of my arm, were its gaping open, i passed out because of it…and i’m good with the sight of blood so idk what happened.

luckily it was covered so she didn’t see the deepness of it.