day in and day out. 

is my fear that i’m not good enough. that i wasn’t sick enough. yes yes your going to read this and tell me “you’ve been hospitilzed more then 3 times for suicide, you’ve gotten down to 65 pounds because of anorexia, you were 8 years old and tried jumping off your elementry school’s building” 

but i still feel like all these patients, all these case studies are being pushed in my face saying “your not sick enough, you have no right saying you overcame mental illness because you never went through it deep enough” 

trying to shut this thought up, and hopefully i wont GET worse. it’s just been on my mind and i needed to get it out. 

Know to go read another psych. textbook, one from the early 90’s (yes i have psych text as far back as the 60’s from used bookstores)

So I had to go out and buy clothes and such because of my weight…social anxiety sky rocketed, I had bandaids all over my arms and caught more then a few people staring at my arms. 

Bought a plastic travel mug and individual green tea bags so I can drink that like crazy and not eat as much. 

I’m hoping my eating is going to be able to go down…they obviouslly dont have much food lying around on the ward…and what they do have is to me mostly disgusting…going to be checking off grapes and carrots mostly on my menu’s. 

Also went out to a used bookstore and bought THE BELL JAR and another Sylvia Plath book, and also Girl, Interrupted and Wintergirls to read in the ward. And my journals of Sylvia Plath book should be also coming on monday (700 pages) so I think i’m going to be set. and of course my diary and new pens. 

*Really finding it hard not to attempt before I go back into the ward…I know i’m not going to be able to fully commit suicide because I dont have enough pills to overdose…but I just Its hard and complicated…I still want to take all the pills I have and pray that somehow it works.*

Binged on a chicken cearsar salad with crutons and then purged it all up…

Ohh the beauty of tearstains on your glasses, runny nose, and puke getting on your pajama shirt.

And now I want to drink some red wine and get drunk and numb.

But will probley just drink a few glasses (more like 5) and then cut myself over and over again.

trying to calm down enough to not cut tonight so i dont blow everything…

but its not working, i really want to cut on my wrists, everything else just doesnt feel good…the possibility of me nicking something in my wrist is the only thing i want from  cutting mostly anymore.